co-dependency, free at last.

co-dependency - the theme which pervaded the most part of my first 24 something years of this life.

According to Neuroscience, "the most profound synaptic activity occurs during the initial five years of life", meaning, any traumatic and environmental experiences we are exposed to during these years essentially becomes our subconscious norm for life until broken.

My first 5 years saw infidelity, abandonment, alcoholism, conflict, oh, & co-dependency, co-dependency, co-dependency.

April, 2019, I found myself breathless, lifeless, barely managing to stand in the middle of the road intersecting Meserole & South 4th in Brooklyn, New York. My 100-and-something broken heart, and a downpour of rain intertwining with a similar stream emerging from my own - the magic of pathetic fallacy.

Really, Alice, again? But this time, on the other side of the world, in New York City, with no home, no money and no job?! Of course, again! Why?

I was mirroring the exact same story of my mother, the only one my inner-child knew. A story riddled with the belief that said, "your worth only exists through that of another, through that of a man". So naturally, I spent years & years convincing myself (and trying to everyone else) that the love of my life was found in the first minute of meeting him.

It feels so good to let this out, because it speaks so true to many teachings of the conditioned mind, the self-limiting patterns, the ones we have the power to cleanse. To rewrite.

@eckharttolle on queen @oprah ‘s @supersoul so simply yet profoundly said,

"It is unlikely you will experience spiritual awakening when you are in your comfort zone".

That hit my soul.

It was in this moment I was truly cracked wide open, more vulnerable, raw, and exposed than ever before. Shaken awake, an instant shift, an inner-knowing that all that had come before, the challenges, the suffering, the hardship, had happened for me, not to me.

Polarity - I had just found my greatest power, in my greatest pain.